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Darkwalker - horror DVD review
DARKWALKER Not rated by the Motion Picture Association of America curledupdvd.com rating: 1 star
Actors: Kathleen Taylor, Michael Sage, David DeWitt, Brenda Matthews, Rick Irvin
Director: Danny Draven   Studio: Shadow Entertainment
DVD release: 13 October 2009   Runtime: 90 minutes (1 disc)
Format: Color, Director's Cut, DVD, NTSC
DVD features: Audio tracks (English - Dolby Digital 2.0), Filmmaker's commentary, Deleted scenes, "Dark Walker" featurette, Blooper reel, Trailer

Ultra low-budget horror films are quite an easy target to pick on, and it is foolish to expect much from them. Still, Darkwalker has all the hallmarks of a film worthy of Mystery Science Theatre 3000: bad acting, a story retold in some form or fashion a thousand times, clichéd character, a terrible plot and poor special effects. Still, it looks like they had fun filming it (and it sure is a cool haunted house they built!).

The (utterly predictable) plot: In the small town of Hobb's Grove, seven teens find work at a local haunted house. One by one, they disappear. Could this be the work of the infamous Dark Walker, a creature rumored to roam the grounds? Will they uncover the mystery and stop the monster before it's too late? Do you care?

From here, we're introduced to stock characters straight out of the Slasher Movie Handbook: Good Girl, Good Guy, Black Guy, Stoner Guy, Goth Chick, Other Good Girl (who has only about two scenes) and Rich Bitch (best line: "Do I look like I eat wieners?"). Note: even though the owner of the museum mentions "hundreds" of people on staff (for a seasonal haunted house in a small town?!), he seems to focus primarily on these seven teen assistants. Let's also not forget the Tool of an Owner and his Wife, the Musclehead Sherriff, the Redneck Assistant (who loves his chainsaw) and the Creepy Old Groundskeeper Who Seems to Know Too Much.

Unfortunately for the film, the Dark Walker himself is not particularly scary, even when killing people. He looks like a cross between Pinhead (minus the Pins) and an actor playing the Predator who got out of the chair before the make up artist was finished. Furthermore, while ultimately successful, he gets his butt kicked in a couple of fights, particularly by the Sherriff. Think that would ever happen to Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees?

Instead of the Dark Walker, perhaps the scariest aspect of the film is the dialogue, especially when Good Girl and Good Guy try to get to know each other. Check the following Shakespearean exchange:
Good Girl: "I like to walk."

Good Guy: "Why do you walk?"

Good Girl: "It gives me time to think."

Good Guy: "Think about what?"

Good Girl: "Life. The future. Stuff."

Good Guy: "You're deep, girl!"
Not exactly No Country for Old Men, is it?

Though the haunted house set is impressive for a low-budget film (and this is obviously a labor of love for all involved), there's nothing here a horror fan hasn't seen before. It is also poorly acted and, worst of all, not the least bit scary. It might be good for a laugh on "Bad Movie Night" with your friends, but there's just not much else to recommend here.

  • Commentary track by the creators.
  • Deleted scenes
  • Making-of feature
  • Bloopers
  • Trailers
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reviewed by Trent Daniel
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