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In reviewing a DVD entitled Erotic Horror Triple Feature  , which contains such titles as Hot Vampire Nights, G-String Vampire and Muffy the Vampire Slayer, I'm not going to kid myself into thinking I'm reviewing something that aspires to be Schindler's List . There are two basic questions to answer: are the films erotic, and is there any horror? The answers, I'm afraid, are "no" and "not even close." The first DVD features Hot Vampire Nights, and I'm being kind when I say it is really, really bad. The (snicker) plot is as follows: a lady vampire calls into a late-night talk show and discusses how she hunts for fresh female victims. The film then cuts to a slow-motion shot of said victim sleeping/sunbathing/showering. It then cuts to a reaction shot of the victim trying to act surprised when the vamp shows up. There follows a 10-minute make-out session between the vamp and her victim (since these are soft-core and in annoying slow motion, it looks like the actresses are just bear-hugging each other for 10 minutes) before the vamp pretends to bite them. There - that's basically the whole movie. It commits the cardinal sin of any movie, particularly one trying to be erotic, in that it is boring: there's no blood, hardly any fangs, and (to be blunt) the women are not particularly good-looking, save for the vamp. It's sad that the short extra - a basic full monty striptease performed by the lady vamp in some club in Miami - is more erotic than anything in the featured film. The featured film on the second DVD, G-String Vampire, is just as terrible, but in a different way. Whereas Hot Vampire Nights is boring, G-String Vampire is unintentionally hilarious. The (guffaw!) plot is as follows: A different lady vampire (not as attractive as the first one) has had her way with the strippers at a local club, and it is up to a secret society of lady vampire hunters to bring her down. One of the last hunters left, Agent 9, tries to hide out at the home of another lady. After the pre-requisite make-out session between the agent and the homeowner, the owner leaves, only for another agent to arrive and double-cross Agent 9. The End. For those who like to laugh at a terrible movie, this film is a gold mine. My favorite part: one agent tries to call in to report the attack at the club but gets an automaton on the other end. The woman cast as the automaton has a very thick Southern accent, so her attempts to sound robotic are hysterical ("Whut iz yer locAshee-un Aee-geunt Naaiin?")! Also worth noting: the lady vamp (who basically gets dropped from the story halfway through) sports a pair of fangs that look like they were purchased at Dollar General. The homeowner also happens to sport a tight t-shirt advertising a voyeur-cam website (which the DVD extras conveniently tell us is run by the actress playing Agent 9). To top it all off, the producer even adds a commentary track but often can't think of anything to say; a few times he says, I kid you not, "Am I making any sense?" Hidden as an extra to G-String Vampire is the third film, Muffy the Vampire Slayer. Interestingly, while still bad, it is clearly the best and most erotic of the movies. First, it has the best lady vamp on the disc, quite attractive and exotic looking. Second, it has a deliciously sleazy grindhouse plot it isn't ashamed to stick to: the lady vamp poses as a lesbian prostitute in order to feed on "Janes" until she goes head to head with a lady cop. Third, it actually brings some blood, gore and a staking into the proceedings (and her fangs look much better than the laughable ones seen elsewhere). Again, it's not good, but at least it tries to deliver some erotic horror (keeping in mind that it was up against almost no competition). Still, even though the third film isn't quite as bad as the others, I really can't think of a good reason to watch this DVD, even for someone who is looking for a soft-core thrill. If one has a fetish for lady vampires, I'm sure there have to be better, more erotic options elsewhere. NOTE: Along with the aforementioned strip tease segment and the commentary track, the discs feature behind the scenes interviews with Shelly Jones (the lady vamp from Disc 1), Barbi Leigh (Agent 9 from Disc 2), a blooper reel and trailers for other Erotic Horror features (none of which looked promising). |
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