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I agreed to review a movie entitled Blood and Sex Nightmare  because, for some reason, I thought is might be intentionally campy in a John Waters sort of way and perhaps good for a few laughs. I obviously did not know what the hell I was thinking. This movie is pure splatter-porn crap and one of the worst things I have ever seen. I felt like punching myself in the face repeatedly for even watching it.The plot: A pretty girl and her boyfriend (a totally useless tool) agree to spend a weekend together at The Pleasure Mountain Adult Retreat. The highlight of the film for me was the welcoming sign for the glamorous retreat. It was a wooden sign stuck in the ground that looked like it had been painted by an eight-year-old. I laughed out loud when I saw that sign, but I knew I was in big, big trouble. When the couple arrives at their cabin, the girlfriend is immediately sexually harassed by The Creepy Old Groundskeeper. Naturally, if the boyfriend's brain hadn't consisted of runny dog shit, they would have immediately gotten back in the car after this and gone home, but then we wouldn't have a movie, would we? From there, we learn that some form of zombie ghost (who still uses weapons) haunts the woods. Most of the rest of the movie is as follows: 1) meet some perverts; 2) they get killed; 3) cue next scene. Director Kolbek talks proudly in the liner DVD insert that he graduated from New York Film Academy. Obviously, one of the requirements for graduating from the prestigious NYFA was NOT that you had to learn how to make a movie. No one in the movie knows how to act. The soundtrack often drowns out the dialogue. Nothing works. He also said that it was shot for $3000. It looks it. However, I don't hold the low, low budget against the filmmakers as much as the fact that they wasted their money. Some short films I recently reviewed for volumes of the HP Lovecraft collection had even smaller budgets, yet these films were made by people with at least some talent who made a genuine effort to craft entertaining and artistic films. Not in this case. Instead, the $3000 was spent to show scenes such as 1) a man getting castrated and his girlfriend being choked to death on his severed penis; 2) a women getting raped to death with a hunting knife; and 3) our heroine getting sexually assaulted by a zombie, complete with a close-up of his rotting johnson (which shoots blood instead of semen, by the way). If this still sound likes something you want to see, then by all means, go ahead. Just warn me ahead of time if you are moving into my neighborhood. Simply put, this movie is crap, and please don't waste your time. I literally threw my copy for review away. All I felt at the end was that I had just lost about 70 minutes of my life I would never get back. If given the choice between watching this movie again and spending two hours chewing tinfoil and rubbing my knuckles with a cheese grater, I'll take the latter. Extras: I found a hidden Easter egg in the special features. It showed a guy taking a piss. 'Nuff said. |
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